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结构的重要性―青岛新东方名师点评雅思大作文

https://www.biud.com.cn 2011年12月29日23:50 家居装修知识网

雅思大作文写作，注重的是结构清晰，写作思路要有严密的逻辑性，下面为大家具体分析一篇实例：

There is not enough respect for the elderly people. What are the causes and what problems does this phenomenon create?There is a growing tendency nowadays for some people to regard the elderly people as a troublesome group. Gradually, this leads to not revere (这是啥意思?! lead to 后面接 doing !) the elderly people in diverse conditions. Yet in my opinion, instead of contempting every one should treat them as our treasure (这句话本身就有点变扭，感觉很怪!) . But, what causes the promble? Here i give two major reasons (这句太废话了，把两个理由总结一下，写出来会比较好) .

On the one hand, some elder people (第一段用的是 elderly people ，这里怎么又变了?!) live without any income. In addition, they are weak even some of them cannot look after themselves (这分明是两个句子，怎么可以写在一起!) .Thus, they have to be given a hand. A recent statistics ( statistics 这里好像应该是复数吧) shows that 90 percent of the elderly people need to provide (应该是被动语态吧) the allowance and nurses. It costs 80 billions ( billion 不可数的!) yuan every year. So the elderly people become a burden to the society. On the other hand ,the young are to blame. Their consciousness of respecting the elderly people should be promoted. What is worse, they don't regard anyone.Nevertheness (应该是 nevertheless ) , for the above reasons, we also can take immediate and specific measures to cope with them. Because no one can deny the fact that a person's moral( 应该是 morality 吧 ) is the most important aspect of the society. If we lose it,I (人称不要变来变去) can't image, (这里逗号多余) what may happen to our society. How terrible it is! As is known to everyone, we are all getting old. But, we may not being esteemed. A yeasty world is proceeding.

To sum up ,the reasons and problems for respecting the elderly people are many. I have simply pointed out some of the more obvious ones. However, it is certain that if the whole of society pays more attention to the solicitude of the elderly people, the issue will not being a trouble again.

语言分析：

1. 整篇文章没有什么精彩的长句或复杂句，所以不太可能上 7 分;

2. 低级错误或者明显错误很多，所以也就 4-5 分的水平;

3. 错误岁多，但不影响理解，还是能够看得懂作者的观点，所以应该是5 分的水平。

结构分析：这篇文章看似 4 段论的写法，但是结构并不是很清晰!特别是第 2 段，用了 on the one hand, ... On the other hand, ... 给人感觉应该是两个分论点，那么最好还是写成两段比较好。虽然作者使用了一些连接词，如 nevertheless, thus, in addition 等，但是由于句子本身的意思写的不好，所以这些连接词只是形式上不错，细看意思并不觉得用得有多好。

内容分析：这个是作者比较欠缺的一部分!可能也是受到英语水平的影响，所写的内容都是很片面的，没有对自己的观点进行深入的分析，可以说分析得根本就不够，给人感觉根本没写出什么东西!其实，雅思作文并一定要想出多少分论点(当然分论点多的话，可以根据自己的能力和偏好选几个自己最能发挥的写)，关键还是要看对分论点的证明，即 supporting sentences 的质量。

总评：5 分。作者需在句型的正确性上花更多的时间，一些基本的语态似乎都掌握得不太好!

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